Sober Poker is hard

Or maybe slow?

Were we slow because we were sober? Or did it just seem that way? Slick Willy threatened to get a bullhorn to blare at people after five seconds.

I don't know. There were secen. Only The Master and Six Gun were drinking. Well, Four Hands dranks some pineapple juice. He seemed drunker than anyone else.

We played a limit H.O.P.E. tourney.

Hold'em. Omaha. Pineapple. Eight-or-better (stud)

It was good.

I bubbled. The Master got third. Three Hour got second. Slick took down first. Slick continued his winning streak. The Magician had a down night.

There were hijinks, but Four Hands was too sober to rememeber them.

The Hustlers travel to vegas next week...

Spilliams or Creamed Sherry

Been awhile.
Happennings began about 1:30 at Lanes and Games. The wait for a lane was half an hour. Four Hands ordered a white Russian and some chicken fingers. The bartender was harried. Five birthday parties for pre-teens and a tourney were all packing the house. One man ordered 2 milks, five orange juices, a diet coke, and four bud lights. Mostly Four Hands wondered who the diet coke was for. There were no mom's present as near as Four Hands could see.
The Master showed up while Four Hands was sipping the incredibly strong white Russian. He got a beer. The chicken fingers came. Four Hands reached for one and promptly spilled the white russian all over the bar. Spill the first. While handing him napkins to wipe up the creamy liquid, The Master knocked over his beer. Spill the second.
Then there was bowling. The two Hustlers bowled well. And in the lane next two us were three characters who were all pseudo twins of friends and aquaintances of Four Hands. Both in look and personality. Not quite dopplegangers, but damn close. They bowled their hearts out, but the rock climbing on saturday had Four Hands tired and the Master was just plane off his game. Although they did work a nice curveball in to his repertoir. And Four Hands bowled a turkey in the last game.
Then it was off to the castle for some cards. It was four handed with Four Hands, the Master, Slick Willy, and Cream Sherry tossing chips back and fourth. 4H won a small pot and promptly spilled half his beer on the table. Spill the third. Then he served Cream Sherry the worst possible beat in existance when his natural straight flush beat Cream's five of a kind. Its a house rule. And he looked liked he'd been punched in the face. 4h's reaction? Spill his beer all over his pants. Spill the fourth.
Gradually more hustlers showed up. Including two wives. One pregnant. After the pregnant wife pounded the betting like made and finally got called down and showed her bluff we were all amazed. Four Hand's comment "I thought she had a big pair." To which the Rooster responded "And they'll only get bigger with the pregnancy." Three Hour's wife remained beat red for the rest of the evening. Cream Sherry had no cash and re-bought with trade script for the enormous room. Which is as good as cash in our game. As is beer. Slick Willy railed on society when he proclaimed that "beer is like money, yet if you give a woman beer and take her home you don't go to jail, but if you give a woman money and take her home, you do." 4h pointed out the issues with that statement and he got depressed. There was also much argument about Black History month and the fact that it was presidents day which might as well be White History day, cutting the already short month shorter by another day. Is it a conspiracy? We don't know. But we do know that Four Hands managed to once again spill a beer all over his pantz and the table and half the room. We're really not sure how he sent it into its crazy dancing spiral of spewing brew, but, well, these things happen. Spill the fifth. He also injured his eye on his beer bottle while bending over to count his chips. Thankfully no one noticed.
The ring games ended when Three Hour's eights hit quads on the river and he managed to check-raise Cream Sherry who had pocket kings. Three Hour then pistoled his hands while screaming "oh yeah! Bang! Bang! Bang!" Cream Sherry looked punched in the gut this time instead of the face. He declined to play in the tourney and left. Four Hands, for one, doesn't blame him one bit.
Then Four Hands beat out the Master's wife head's up to take down the tourney making it one of his most profitable hustler days ever. Naturally he took the trade script for the Enormous Room. Yummy!

High/Low/Slow Roll

The Irrational Monkey called in sick and the game started with four players: Slick, Four Hands, The Master, and Zimran. The Master started out with trip fours on the first hand to take a fair pot from Four Hands in five card. The first hand curse then devastated the rest of his evening, although the first re-buy blessing did help offset it a bit. Three Hour then showed up and Let's Gamble arrived nice and stinky after a volleyball session to round out the evening.

Four Hands was disturbingly sober, and yet found it impossible to read/remember his cards. An interesting hand came up between Four Hands and The Master in Seven Stuf hi-lo. Showing AJ87 Four Hands bet seventh street without looking at his hole card and The Master called. Looking at the hole card (the five of clubs), Four Hands says "I don't think I have anything. Nope." And the Master turns over two pair. Then Four hands looks at his over two down cards (69) and says, wait, I have a straight! Um. And a low." And everyone makes fun of him for his mistaken slow-roll and he apologized profusely to the Master and felt bad. But he took the money.

A few hands later on Four Hand's deal he called Kings and Three. It was checked around to Four Hands before the draw and he shrugged and said "Free cards!" Most people took two or three cards. And then it was checked around to Four Hands again! People started showing their weak pairs, and Three Hour was leading with a pair of tens when Four Hands turned over his cards and said "Tens are good. All I have is a pair of threes." He was genuinely confused when everyone started laughing having completely forgotten that he himself had called Kings and Threes! This time Four Hands felt so bad he didn't even take the money, just left it in the pot for the next game.

During the tourney in the a battle of the blinds, Four Hands limped with K8 and Slick checked. The flop came down K87 all heards. Four Hands checked and Slick (on a short stack) quickly checked behind him. The turn came another eight and Fourhand bet out the pot and Slick moved in and turned of 54 of hearts for the flopped flush! Four Hands the says "You're going to hate me, but I have the boat!" and then he turned over K7??? "No, I think I love you" responded Slick as Four Hands stared in amazement at his pair of kings no kicker and shipped the chips to Slick.

Slick and Four Hands got knocked out of the first tourney (won by Three Hour heads up vs. Zimran) and began playing a limit freeze-out heads up. Four Hands repeatedly got to a 16 to 1 advantage, but could never finish Slick off. At one point Four Hands limped on the button with T3 suited and Slick raised. Four Hands called. The flop came K92 with one spade. Slick bet and Four Hands called. The turn was the Q of spades. Slick bet again and Four Hands called. The right was an off-suit deuce and it was checked down and Four Hands says "I got a ten." Slick says, that's good and mucks! And then Four Hands turns over Ten-Deuce for the trips, once again having forgotten his cards and slow rolled. Although not really, since the ten was good. Although Slick lamented that the slow roll did give him the pain of having to admit that ten-high had him beat.

But then Slick went on to win two four-handed tourneys in a row. Taking down Let's Gamble in on and Four Hands in the other.

And several bottle of wine were consumed.

Four Hands may be re-dubbed Slow Roll...

Been a while

But the money was flowing freely around the table last night. Monkeypantz won a decent pot on the first hand of the night and the first hand curse proceeded to bit him in the arse. As the table filled his stack shrank until he was forced to re-buy. A record number of people rebought during the course of the evening. Only the Master and Four Hands kept themselves above water. In the end most of the chips were re-distributed back to the rebuyers, though.
The tournament started eight handed with the arrival of the Irrational Monkey. Let's Gamble was the first to leave when he was check raised all in by Monkeypantz on a flop of TT5. He called with pocket treys, only to find Monkeypants with pocket sixs and no miracle two outer came.
Zimran was the next out. Slick limped early. The Irrational Monkey exclaimed "You never do that!" and folded her cards. Zim raised from the small blind. Slick reraised minimum and they saw a flop three handed. It came down AJ6 and the shortstacked Zim quickly moved in for four bucks. The pot was now 12 dollars and Slick agonized before finally calling with bottom pair showing 63s! But amazingly Zim was on a stone cold bluff and failed to improve his queen nine.
At the 1-2 level three players limped and the Irrational Monkey raised it up to 8 from the small blind. The Master then came over the top for 11.50 from the BB. It was folded to the monkey who againized but eventually decided to keep her stack of six dollars, folding 69s!
The Master put a huge dent in Three Hour's stack when he moved in under the gun and three hour called. The Master helf AJo and Three Hour was looking good with pocket rockets. But a jack on the flop and another on the river doubled up The Master and left Three Hour with barely two big blinds. He tossed in his final chips on the BB with J4s after Monkeypants raised earlyly and he was dominated by the KJo and drawing dead on the turn.
The Monkey exited when she moved in for eleven under the gun with blinds at 1.50/3. Slick Willy called with AQo on the button and her 89s failed to improve.
Four Hands was the next out. The Master moved in from the button with J8s. Four Hands called all-in from the SB with A7o, and Slick Willy woke up to AKo on the BB and called as well. Unfortunately for Slick the K on the flop didn't help him as it came down all clubs and he and Four Hands were drawing dead to the Master's flopped flush on the turn. The Master trippled up and Slick was crippled. Slick exitted soon thereafter in third place.
Heads up Monkeypantz held a 3.5 to 1 lead and the money all went in on the first hand when the Master raised, Monkeypantz moved in and the Master called. QTs for the master, 66 for Monkeypantz. A Q on the flop doubled the master up. with a flop of J34 Monkeypantz pulled in to big lead when the money finally got in after the Master called his re-raise. Monkeypantz held J6 and the master K3. Running sixes improved Monkeypantz to a full house. With only 15 bucks and 2/4 blinds, the Master tossed in his last from the big blind after Monkeypantz checked. Monkeypantz quickly called with QQ and the Master flipped up J4. The flop camed down QT9 with two clubs, give Monkeypantz the set, but the Master the outside draw. The draw hit on the turn when the King of clubs came off. But the river was the 6 of clubs and Monkeypantz's Q high flush took out the Master's J high.

And that's poker.

Mondays, Bloody Mondays

The game started short handed. The Master, Slick, Let's Gamble, and Four Hands sat down. Rooster soon showed, but took a moment to fix Slick's water closet before joining the games (much appreciated). Slick brought the champagne in honor of a pot-limit omaha hi-lo multiple take down for his biggest tourney pay to date. He doesn't really like champagne. So next time he's buying a case of beer to celebrate. Somehow, amazingly, he managed to get drunk despite his dislike.

When the play actually commenced Four Hands lost three quarters of his stack rapidly and had to re-buy for another ten. Slick did the same. Let's Gamble also was bitten by the rebuy demon. Who was the recepient of their largesse? The Master, who kept picking up pots left and right. The Rooster was learning from the book, apparently he payed a lot of attention to "chapter 13: Isolating with only a low in split pot games and other advanced concepts"

Cream Sherry and Lonely Capybara showed up, followed soon by Three Hour when the following hand developped. It was a game of "Gay Willy What-What?" or Omaha Hi Double Flop. On the river the boards read 669tK and 498KQ (3diamonds). It came down to three players. The Master, Three Hour, and Slick Willy. A big bet on the river and the call around and Three shows his cards in shame. The Master declares his 78 for a straight on the top and Slick shows top two pair on the bottom with KQ. Three Hour (holding 6d4dQJ) mutters "Crap, all I have is trips on top and a weaker two on the bottom. The pot is being divided when Four Hands notices the two piddly diamonds in his hand and corrects him on the bottom board to his glee and Slick's chagrin. Then the Master, unable to contain himself and steal half the pot, points out the his QJ is also good for a higher straight on the top board. Four Hands then declares that Three hour is paying a stupidity tax and makes him return one big bet to the two others for the worst slow roll in Hustler history. Three Hour gives them the money and they don't even feel bad about it.

Cream Sherry muttered penis a lot. Occasionally declaiming loudly and randomly. We don't know why. The Loneliest refused to play anything but Hold'em and Anaconda and took home a nice profit. There were many gay raises.

The tournament begain with seven. Few flops we seen and uncalled over-the top pre-flops all-in were common. Eventually it came down to Cream Sherry and the Master, with cream holding a big chip lead after he busted Four Hands by making a great call with AK on a Q65 flop to take down Four Hands stone cold with the 97o. The Loneliest came in third. The final had had The Master's 69s versus Cream Sherry's A4o. An A on the flop sealed the deal.

Hustlers departed. Four Hands gambled a seven dollar hand blind vs. Three Hour and won with J8 vs. J2. Then he re-gambled blind with Slick, only to lose with QT to QJ when he hit his T on the turn to give Slick broadways. Then for unknown reasons Slick, Let's Gamble, Three Hour, and Four Hands sat down for some no-limit side games. They each threw in 12 or so and sat down. Four Hands lost his first buy in in something like four hands when he moved in on a a flop of AT3 with QT only to find Slick holding A9. He waffled, but gave in to pressure and threw down another twenty. And raised 3/4 hands from then on.

Slick told the group of his work on a grammar book. An altercation with Let's Gamble ensued. "How many books have you written, huh?" exclaimed Slick. To which Four Hands yelled "Right me the book of my flop, bitch!" And the then raised. and moved in on the flop of QJ4 with T9o. For those wondering he bluffed T9 7 times during the course of the evening. Four Hands moved Slick back in to profitablity when he limp reraised all in with AKs and Slick called with pocket threes. Four Hands forgot to factor in the drunken factor. The play then shifted to omaha hi and omaha hi-lo. Still no-limit. Omaha hi was banned for few rounds after Four Hands won six of the seven hands of it. He was "hit by the deck" as they say. On of the biggest pots coming when slick called him pre flop with Ah236h. Four Hands held AsTsJd7d. The flop came AQ6. Four Hands check raised all in and Slick called with two pair. The seven on the river gave four hands the bigger two pair.

At 1:12 just after Three Hour lost another ten dollar buy-in and was getting up to leave Four Hands declared "I only have about ten left in me. Minutes. That is." Three Hour promptly sat back down and said "Since you put it that way I think I have about ten dollars left in my pocket!" He then managed to climb back to 25 after he flopped a wheel in a round of Omaha Hi-lo and Four Hands moved in with something stupid.

Play finally ended just before two o'clock.

Twos Never Lose

Slick just couldn't do anything right last night. If he started with a high pair, someone caught two pair on him. It was a rough night of ring games and he bowed out early.

Four Hands bowed out first in the tournament after losing 1/3 of his stack on the first hand and bluffing off six dollars in to Spike. Let's Gamble was soon to follow. The Rooster lost it all to the other big stack of Scares Willy when she called on the BB with the rockets and he caught a Q on the flop to go with his KQs. Slick couldn't catch a break. He moved in with 64s and picked up a split pot when he was called by Scares with 62! Finally his all in from the SB with K9s ran in to Spike's pocket Jerks and he was out. The Irrational Monkey claimed she was going to make an appearance, but her stack just dwindled until she was eventually blinded off. But she did outlast four other "players." Spike gave his chips to King Jo when he moved in from the BB with K9s only to find King Jo with his signature hand. Heads up it was Scares and the King and the lead shifted back numerous times. Scares was too tired to think and King Jo was too scared to call. Finally he moved in on a board of KT8 with pocket nines and Scares called with QT. Unfortunately the scary 9 fell on the river giving the King a big chip advantage. The money went in again a few hands later when Scares held A4s and the King had AJo. The J played and that was the tourney.

Sentimental Hustlers Get their Mourn on: AKA Chicks dig poker

(quotes not necessarily in order)
"Dude I haven't seen you mourn our soldiers all day"
"Well there was that one time"
"Yeah, but he'd just lot twenty pot. soldiers...twenty dollar pot...soldiers"
Slick Willy: "Chicks dig it when you're playing poker in a bar. It's because you're not there for them, and that's hot. Let's go to the bar and pick up chicks by mourning our fallen soldiers. 'Why are so sad' I'm mourning our fallen soldiers.... And I just lost a pot."
"Something almost priceless as it were.... Cash...."
"I don't know what I want to do. I'm restless. I don't even know if I want to go hit on chicks. Maybe I'm gay."
"Let's find out!"
"Heads up freezeout for gay-ness!"
"Where's Spike when you need him??? All-in!"
"Wait, was that gay-ness or gay-dom?"
"I like gay-dom better than gay-ness."

And there were cards. And grilled burgers with avacadoes. And No-Limit short-handed action. And Four Hands bitching about how if someone would have played correctly he would have won. And Slick getting confused by his own play. And Four Hands thinking you only needed four cards for a straight. And The Master getting drawn out on way too many times to count. Three Hour and Four Hands took the money.

I hate you all,
-4h

Friday Night Lights Out

4h: "I need to write up Friday's games"
Slick: "What? The one I was so drunk I don't remember who I played heads up? Was it Spike? I remember a QJ spiking a KQ..."
4h: "I remember turning down a hundred dollar heads up freeze out...."

And that about sums it up.
Well that and:
Cream Sherry: "Do you play Jack King Off?"
Slick: "Depends on my position and whether or not I'm raised."

Cream Sherry has been re-dubbed King Jack Off. His KJo cracked the Master
s Rockets late in the second tourney. He s.howed KJo at least 7 times.
Slick won the first tourney. Spike took second. Cream, I mean KJo, took third. Four Hands took down the second tourney vs. Scares Willy heads up.

bah.