The Hustlers in Vegas, or, A Vacation to Recover From

Note: Numbers are only approximate. Much is blurry. Math is hard. The perspective is entirely that of Four Hands and we all know how warped and simian that is.

Day 1: Or rather night one. The hustlers arrive. Four Hands, the Master, Lets Gamble, and Spike stepped off their plane to meet Means Nothing. A brief cab ride later we were standing in the Luxor. Check-in proceeded smoothly. Energy levels were highly variable. Clothing was assessed and it was decided that we would attempt to dance at Studio 54 as well as checking out the new MGM poker room. Lets Gamble failed the shoe test and it was decided we would get a drink at the lounge next to the poker room and evaluate. It was after midnight by the time any hustler partook of liquid courage. The wait for drinks was alleviated somewhat by the eighties metal mega-mix and cosmetically augmented bartenders dancing on the bar. The Spike and the Master decided to return to the Luxor to rest up for the following day’s hustling. Let’s Gamble lived up to his name and quickly grabbed a 2-4 table while Four Hands and Means Nothing hit the dance floor. After an hour of booty-shaking and ogling, Four Hands and Means Nothing wandered back to the poker room (a whole 30 yards from the dance floor of 54) and quickly grabbed their own tables, with Four Hands taking a spot right next to lets gamble while Means Nothing took a shot at the low-limit no-limit. Four Hands quickly went up 140 only to have Let’s gamble grab most of it back on the final hand of the evening. At 4:30am the three hustlers left the tables to return to the Luxor. Means Nothing ended up down sixty. Four Hands up 55. Let’s Gamble made his shoe money goal of 95. Hustler net: +90.

Day 2: People got breakfast in various places and then convened at the Luxor for the noon tourney. Four Hands was out early when his kings got cracked by fives. Spike and the Master got blinded out. Let’s Gamble failed to wake in time to register. Means Nothing goes on a tear and wins the Luxor tourney for 650 profit. The heads up play is “laughably bad” according to a random passer-by. But Means Nothing triumphs and takes home the gold, the two key hands being her top two pair pulling a boat on the river vs a made flush and catching a 5 with her T5 vs the guys KT heads up. The Master drops a small amount, Four Hands drops 120 at the 2-4 table, and Spike drops a small amount. Hustler Net: +500 or so (includes tourney buy-ins)

Then the drinking began. We decided we needed frozen beverages. Thankfully we were a short walk from Coyote Ugly. Banana Mango with an extra shot of rum was yummy. Drinks in hand we wandered to Caesar’s palace to obtain shoes for Lets Gamble. 36oz mugs of additional frozen beverages were obtained. Means Nothing is hammered after one drinking and wins the speed drunk award. Fishes are observed in the tank at Caesars. Sharks and mantas are determined to be bad-ass. The Hustlers proceed to the Aladdin to re-fill their 36oz frozen delites and check out the poker room. The poker room sucks, but a random circ de’soleil performer spinning a metal cube around himself rocks. Drinks are re-filled. Spike dozes an extra shot to make up for drink from a smaller 20oz cup. We determine it is time for a drunken poker battle and head back to the MGM. Let’s Gamble escorts Means Nothing back to the room so she can pass out. Poker ensues. Four Hands fails to realize others have stopped drinking to focus on poker and begins downing vodka redbulls while playing 4-8. Spike takes a chance at the 2-5 $500 no-limit. Time passed. 4 to six hours later it is determined that food is needed. I say 4-6 because I have no idea when we started playing. But we ended around 11pm. Spike up around 500 at the no limit, Four Hands up 180 dollars and indeterminate number of vodka-redbulls (>4 but <10) style=""> Others down. Hustler Net: +550 or so.

After poker dancing was discussed. Fat Burgers we obtained and it. Midnight was arrived at. Back at the rooms at the Luxor Four Hands did a dance on a bed and threatened people with pillows. Spike strapped him to the cot, but he escaped. He also fell down a lot and was awarded the drunken award. Others may be able to elaborate on his antics as this authors memory of that evening, is, well, fuzzy.

Day 3: Four Hands and Means Nothing wander six miles up and down the strip trying to find a good place for breakfast. The Luxor Tourney is sold out by 10:30 so no one can play in it. After discussion and lunch the hustlers decided to head to the Orleans to play poker before playing in the 7:00, $100 tourney there. The Orleans has a bowling alley. The Master kicks everyone else’s arse. Gin and Tonics and vodka tonics are determined to be $2.50, and two dozen are consumed while balls are tossed. Finally t]he Hustler sit down to play poker before the tourney. The 1-2 blinds at the 4-8 game confound Spike, the Master, and Four Hands while Lets Gamble sits patiently in the 4-8 omaha. Means Nothing sucks some old guys out of some money at the 2-4 game. Four Hands drops $180 after moving to the 4-8 omaha, while Lets Gamble wins 60. Three Hour arrives with companions in tow. Everyone buys in to the tourney. Everyone busts out of the tourney. Four Hands drops first (of course) and heads back to the Luxor with Let’s Gamble. Hustler Net: -800 or so (includes tourney buy-ins)

All Hustlers except Four Hands have dinner. Four Hands naps, preparing for dancing. At eleven PM the Hustlers head to Mandalay for the House of Blues eighties flashback Fridays. Vodka and Redbull flow in abundance. Means Nothing vows to make out with one of Three Hour’s companions. After some prompting by Means Nothing Four Hands decides to do flying toe-touches on the dance floor and pulls his calf, but gets an ovation from the crowd. At four a.m. dancing ceases. Four Hands passes out. (Note: the rest is hear-say) Three Hour, his companions, and Means Nothing decide to continue partying. Unspeakable things are done to a grapefruit. A significant portion of a hallway on the ninth floor of the luxor gets covered in shaving cream. Pink shaving cream if the following morning remnants representative. Three Hour and Means Nothing decide to play poker. Means Nothing proceeds to play poker until 11am in her pajamas and wins 120. Three Hour drops an indeterminate amount over the same time span. Hustler Net: +40 or so.

Day 4. Four Hands heads to the MGM for some No-Limit action at noon. Ends up +400 after five hours of play in large part to convincing a group of frat boys to continually drink bud light and do shots of jagermeister with him on the theory that he has more drunken poker experience. Spike has lunch and abandons the Hustlers for the southwest. Lets Gamble’s companion arrives. Cigars are smoked and the fountains at the Bellagio observed. The Master and Four Hands coordinate everyone’s outfit. A pimp hat is obtained and pictures of Means Nothing taken. Lines are too long at clubs everywhere. The Hustlers end up at Ra utilizing their Luxor line passes and proceed to dance. It is determined that the vodka redbulls at Ra are 3.5 times stronger than those at the House of Blues. Dancing are Ra proceeds until 1:30 at which point it becomes too hip-hop for the Hustler’s tastes and they return to Mandalay and the House of Blues for some disco and funk. Lets Gamble convinces the doorman to give the hustlers a $100 break on the admission. A band plays. A band with three front men all sporting two foot afros. Four Hands hits on what is later determined to be a field hockey team. Four Hands and Three Hour agree to go back to the MGM for late night poker. Instead they both go back to their rooms and pass out. Hijinks end. Hustler net: +400.

Day 5: A final meal is obtained and included massive quantities of chicken fried steak and biscuits and gravy. And a salad. But in the salad’s defense it was determined to be larger than any one person’s stomach. Four Hands and Three Hour head to the MGM for more poker. The rest hang out by the pool and drink and observe hotties. Three books a small win in his two hours of play before leaving Vegas for LA. Four Hands is down $650 at the no limit tables when Let’s Gamble and companion say goodbye and head to LA themselves. Finally, after 7 hours of play Four Hands crawls back to mere $150 loss while Means Nothing drops 80 at 2-4. Hustler net: -180 or so.

What did we learn? A lot. The Orleans sucks, except for their bowling alley. The MGM poker room rocks. Four Hands plays well drunk. Spike is best at No-Limit. Three Hour has a strange fetish for grapefruit. The cleaning ladies at the Luxor missed 6 spots of shaving cream on the walls. Means Nothing is a big winner. Table selection is everything. Poker _is_ gambling. Drinks are overpriced at the House of Blues. Pimp hats and sunglasses are easily obtained. America is blessed by God. Don’t check raise all in with two pair vs a set and the nut straight on the flop. And some other stuff.